so here i am again. my mind is plagued with questions that have no easy answers. i'm "settled." i have a new,really good job. i'm in a new city. i have a few people that i know in this town and i have plenty of fun stuff to get into on the weekends. i think i've found a church i'm ready to get involved in and I volunteer weekly tutoring some kids. i just went natural (cut my hair off). from the outside, it appears that i have it "together."

i have left my family permanently. i moved to a new state a thousand miles away from home. i left behind some unfortunate situations. my mom chose her partner over me in a situation that seemed so black and white to me. my father has never been a consistent part of my life but feels the need to come in and out just enough for me to be emotionally disturbed by his sporadic appearances. i just lost one of the only (the best) positive male influences to a sudden heart attack/stroke complication at the age of 39. i'm no longer allowed to be in the place that i once called home because i told my mother about how her partner and his son abused me and may be potentially abusing someone else. i'm not close to my siblings nor have i ever been close to them.

right now my mind is disturbed because i just don't understand what my role is in the current place i'm in. i know that i should probably tell my father that i live in an entirely different state now. i don't owe him anything, but he could at least know where i am. i'm so ready to cut him off but him and his wife have all of my contact information and his daughters are friends with me on facebook. they will inevitably find me and continue to hound me about my life. i know that's not the right thing to do. i want to know him so badly and want him to want me so badly. isn't it funny how we all desire love from the places that we will never get it from. i want my mom to love me and give me her undivided attention. that'll probably never happen though.