what i would say....

so if i could say what i wanted to to everyone who i wanted to this is what i would say...

let's start with amy...
why is it that you cannot function without a man? why is it that you are so sensitive? grow some thick skin? why do you want to be my friend anyway? life is so much more than what you look like. i understand that you seek God about your life, but don't you know that he thinks you're beautiful. he thinks that world of everything that you are. why . do you need validation from people that don't matter? there is such an emphasis on us being "best friends" and we're so honest with each other. where did that go? you didn't and do tell me what's going on with you anymore. you complain about being sad about breaking a boy's heart. yeah, it's rough! i understand that but you're gonna be ok. if we're such good friends, why don't you listen to me? why didn't you ever tell me about what was going on in your relationship or tell me what happened between the two of you? how am i supposed to help you? it's getting weird being around you all the time. how are we going to live together?

grant...
has God told you anything differently yet? i wish for it everyday. i still don't understand why were are not together. i'm shocked still and sometimes i still think that one day I'm gonna turn around and you'll be there. why is it that you can come in and life can make so much sense, but in an instant you're gone? you promised forever and i was so easily persuaded. you seemed so confident as if you knew without a shadow of a doubt that we were going to live the rest of our lives together. i really haven't ever been so confident about anything in my life. i was wiling to marry you. i trusted you with my life. i trusted someone for the first time fully and completely. i let you have my heart more than anyone has before. there's no taking that back. are you sure this is what you want? are you sure that God doesn't want us to give it another try? are you moving on? do you still think of me when you're lonely on a saturday night or when you see something i've given you? how are you dealing with all of this? do you wish there was someone to hold your hand? does life make sense right now?

God...
life doesn't make sense right now. i'm transitioning into what is supposed to be real life and it's really difficult and painful. the money is there. i'm sure i will find a job and i will be physically provided for. i have a house and roommates. where is the love that i need in my life? why did you take that away from me? why is my relationship so hard with amy right now? why do i feel really alone and frustrated with life? i haven't spent time with you God but i don't know what to do? i don't know what to do with life? i don't want to go home because there's nothing to go back to. i don't want to stay here because it's hard. i'm so frustrated with the place i'm in. nothing seems to make sense or be going well emotionally. life could be much worse so i must keep that in perspective. thank you for the house, job interview and roommates. thank you for people who care about me. (jamie, becca, kristen, hannah, amy, profs and random others) i need a church where i feel like i fit. i want black friends and mentors who are like me. there are so many things that i think i need. what's going on? why has my life become something that i don't like? why has it become something that i look at and wonder what happened? is there anything i could've done to control it? probably not. what will i do to make it better? man oh man. i'm so NOT content right now and i don't know how to be. God i feel like i don't even know how to approach you anymore. i don't know what i should do to be a Christian. darn it! i hate this right now! where, what, when, how why? spirit be near to me!