still the same but single

well here i am a couple of weeks later and i'm feeling the same way i did before i went home. the only difference now is that i'm single. that is a whole confusing and frustrating situation that i'll explain later, but the same feelings of discontentment are still here.

this is my last summer before starting a job where i probably won't have summers off. i thought this summer was going to be full of crazy dates and fun in the sun with grant. i thought that i would be able to take road trips to see friends and spend time with people that i won't be able to see for a long time. i thought that life was going to be good to me this summer. this is supposed to be the best time of life. the summer after my senior year in high school was the most fun ever thanks to Cameron and my group of friends from home. party hopping, water gun fights, bike rides, beaches, picnics! it was great and that's what i hoped for this summer. oh well...i guess this will be a different kind of summer. my friends are still around and will come hang out and i'll get to see them but i'll be a little down knowing that i'm not with the guy i wanted to spend life with.

see the thing is he had a ring picked and knew when he was going to propose. he had all of my closest friends in on it and i had no idea. he showed me a house the day before he left on his mission trip and i thought that we were going to be "together forever." see i don't need a house, a ring (right now) or even a commitment that we are going to be together forever. i just knew that i wanted to see where life would take us. there's no need to be so commitment focused. he knew that i would be willing to stay up here and see where things would go. he could've showed me commitment by coming to see me and making sure that he put me as a priority in his life. i didn't need to know where we would serve as missionaries or even if we would serve overseas period. i didn't want him to give up anything that he wanted to do so that i could do what i wanted to do. we could have easily stayed together, spent time together, loved each other and given each other enough space to go about life until we were ready to commit. in retrospect, just don't understand why we rushed things. we didn't have to talk marriage. we didn't have to talk so long term. man...i wonder if we would've done things differently, would we still be together.

the reason we are not together anymore is because while he was in uganda he felt that God told him to give me up. i don't know what that means or what giving me up entails. is this a permanent thing? he feels that he's called to go back to uganda with chris. it kind of seems like a mission trip high experience. which is sad because i thought he of all people would've known how to handle the emotional experience that mission trips bring. i feel if we were really supposed to break up, then why didn't God reveal to me that we were not supposed to be together? why didn't God prepare me for what was going on? why did he let it get so far? why couldn't have grant came back and talked to people that knew him better and could give him godly, informed advice? it seems like such a rash decision. he made the decision long before he came back. i wonder if he felt peace about it? i wonder if he regrets the decision he made? i wonder if we will ever be together again? hmm... i guess these are all questions that will probably never be answered.

so hear i am...in for a long 6 weeks with the UB students. i hope to build some good relationships. i hope that i am able to keep my head in the game and be on my knees for all of the kids that are coming. i hope that i don't check out as i'm trying to get ready for "real life."

i'll be looking for a job, a grad school and trying to decide whether i want to go back to TX or not. i'm not missing anything really. i would be able to find new friends and all of that, but i just don't want to leave the ones i have. the midwest isn't that bad. it's just a constant reminder of what could be. i could go to alaska and work in the camp that jamie's parents own. that could be fun. i'm thinking that maybe i wanna work landscaping or construction. i think that would be really rewarding but i need benefits. i'll have to see what's available. who knows? so with grad school, i think i'm just going to try to find the best school for counseling psychology or something like that. i don't know anymore. i want to counsel people but not here in the states. maybe i should teach psychology. i could get my teaching certification and teach psychology and sociology. while i'm getting my master's in counseling. that sounds like a plan. hmm...i don't know anymore.

well today the other newly single girl, steph k, is coming to chill with me. i don' t know what we'll do but we'll figure something out! until next time...