so here i am again. my mind is plagued with questions that have no easy answers. i'm "settled." i have a new,really good job. i'm in a new city. i have a few people that i know in this town and i have plenty of fun stuff to get into on the weekends. i think i've found a church i'm ready to get involved in and I volunteer weekly tutoring some kids. i just went natural (cut my hair off). from the outside, it appears that i have it "together."

i have left my family permanently. i moved to a new state a thousand miles away from home. i left behind some unfortunate situations. my mom chose her partner over me in a situation that seemed so black and white to me. my father has never been a consistent part of my life but feels the need to come in and out just enough for me to be emotionally disturbed by his sporadic appearances. i just lost one of the only (the best) positive male influences to a sudden heart attack/stroke complication at the age of 39. i'm no longer allowed to be in the place that i once called home because i told my mother about how her partner and his son abused me and may be potentially abusing someone else. i'm not close to my siblings nor have i ever been close to them.

right now my mind is disturbed because i just don't understand what my role is in the current place i'm in. i know that i should probably tell my father that i live in an entirely different state now. i don't owe him anything, but he could at least know where i am. i'm so ready to cut him off but him and his wife have all of my contact information and his daughters are friends with me on facebook. they will inevitably find me and continue to hound me about my life. i know that's not the right thing to do. i want to know him so badly and want him to want me so badly. isn't it funny how we all desire love from the places that we will never get it from. i want my mom to love me and give me her undivided attention. that'll probably never happen though.

what i would say....

so if i could say what i wanted to to everyone who i wanted to this is what i would say...

let's start with amy...
why is it that you cannot function without a man? why is it that you are so sensitive? grow some thick skin? why do you want to be my friend anyway? life is so much more than what you look like. i understand that you seek God about your life, but don't you know that he thinks you're beautiful. he thinks that world of everything that you are. why . do you need validation from people that don't matter? there is such an emphasis on us being "best friends" and we're so honest with each other. where did that go? you didn't and do tell me what's going on with you anymore. you complain about being sad about breaking a boy's heart. yeah, it's rough! i understand that but you're gonna be ok. if we're such good friends, why don't you listen to me? why didn't you ever tell me about what was going on in your relationship or tell me what happened between the two of you? how am i supposed to help you? it's getting weird being around you all the time. how are we going to live together?

grant...
has God told you anything differently yet? i wish for it everyday. i still don't understand why were are not together. i'm shocked still and sometimes i still think that one day I'm gonna turn around and you'll be there. why is it that you can come in and life can make so much sense, but in an instant you're gone? you promised forever and i was so easily persuaded. you seemed so confident as if you knew without a shadow of a doubt that we were going to live the rest of our lives together. i really haven't ever been so confident about anything in my life. i was wiling to marry you. i trusted you with my life. i trusted someone for the first time fully and completely. i let you have my heart more than anyone has before. there's no taking that back. are you sure this is what you want? are you sure that God doesn't want us to give it another try? are you moving on? do you still think of me when you're lonely on a saturday night or when you see something i've given you? how are you dealing with all of this? do you wish there was someone to hold your hand? does life make sense right now?

God...
life doesn't make sense right now. i'm transitioning into what is supposed to be real life and it's really difficult and painful. the money is there. i'm sure i will find a job and i will be physically provided for. i have a house and roommates. where is the love that i need in my life? why did you take that away from me? why is my relationship so hard with amy right now? why do i feel really alone and frustrated with life? i haven't spent time with you God but i don't know what to do? i don't know what to do with life? i don't want to go home because there's nothing to go back to. i don't want to stay here because it's hard. i'm so frustrated with the place i'm in. nothing seems to make sense or be going well emotionally. life could be much worse so i must keep that in perspective. thank you for the house, job interview and roommates. thank you for people who care about me. (jamie, becca, kristen, hannah, amy, profs and random others) i need a church where i feel like i fit. i want black friends and mentors who are like me. there are so many things that i think i need. what's going on? why has my life become something that i don't like? why has it become something that i look at and wonder what happened? is there anything i could've done to control it? probably not. what will i do to make it better? man oh man. i'm so NOT content right now and i don't know how to be. God i feel like i don't even know how to approach you anymore. i don't know what i should do to be a Christian. darn it! i hate this right now! where, what, when, how why? spirit be near to me!

Today's frustration

so i ran today with brian! it was really funny. neither one of us have run in the past very much at all, but we thought we would do it! i really like that kid! i was really excited about it though.

so today we had a staff meeting at the UB office today and on the way there we saw a tent going up on the basketball courts. we checked to see if we had it reserved for this evening and we did. nate and i went up to conference services to check on what was going on. apparently cs emailed mr. hughs about it a month ago and he never mentioned it to us. of course the "wesleyan women" get priority over a bunch minority high school students. it doesn't make sense. they could've set up that tent anywhere on campus but they choose the basketball courts where they know our kids play! i know that this is a minute problem but we are always getting the shaft. i hate that these kids are not seen as important enough to this university to make them a priority. we have to sit in a particular spot in baldwin and we are expected to let people go ahead of us in the lunch line b/c "they have places to be." apparently these student's classes are not important.

how can indiana wesleyan call themselves a christian campus and have such a focus on missions but have such a bad rapport with marion? they have no outreach to the children and families of this town and it's sickening. i definitely can't work for them! it just goes against everything in me. i love some of the people and how they have enriched my experience at this university, but this school has some serious problems to address. i hope that dr. smith is ready to meet that challenge and be able to lead this school to a place of compassion and service to those who truly need it!

i think i'm done ranting and i just want to advocate for kids. i also want to teach them!

PS i've decided i want to be a teacher

still the same but single

well here i am a couple of weeks later and i'm feeling the same way i did before i went home. the only difference now is that i'm single. that is a whole confusing and frustrating situation that i'll explain later, but the same feelings of discontentment are still here.

this is my last summer before starting a job where i probably won't have summers off. i thought this summer was going to be full of crazy dates and fun in the sun with grant. i thought that i would be able to take road trips to see friends and spend time with people that i won't be able to see for a long time. i thought that life was going to be good to me this summer. this is supposed to be the best time of life. the summer after my senior year in high school was the most fun ever thanks to Cameron and my group of friends from home. party hopping, water gun fights, bike rides, beaches, picnics! it was great and that's what i hoped for this summer. oh well...i guess this will be a different kind of summer. my friends are still around and will come hang out and i'll get to see them but i'll be a little down knowing that i'm not with the guy i wanted to spend life with.

see the thing is he had a ring picked and knew when he was going to propose. he had all of my closest friends in on it and i had no idea. he showed me a house the day before he left on his mission trip and i thought that we were going to be "together forever." see i don't need a house, a ring (right now) or even a commitment that we are going to be together forever. i just knew that i wanted to see where life would take us. there's no need to be so commitment focused. he knew that i would be willing to stay up here and see where things would go. he could've showed me commitment by coming to see me and making sure that he put me as a priority in his life. i didn't need to know where we would serve as missionaries or even if we would serve overseas period. i didn't want him to give up anything that he wanted to do so that i could do what i wanted to do. we could have easily stayed together, spent time together, loved each other and given each other enough space to go about life until we were ready to commit. in retrospect, just don't understand why we rushed things. we didn't have to talk marriage. we didn't have to talk so long term. man...i wonder if we would've done things differently, would we still be together.

the reason we are not together anymore is because while he was in uganda he felt that God told him to give me up. i don't know what that means or what giving me up entails. is this a permanent thing? he feels that he's called to go back to uganda with chris. it kind of seems like a mission trip high experience. which is sad because i thought he of all people would've known how to handle the emotional experience that mission trips bring. i feel if we were really supposed to break up, then why didn't God reveal to me that we were not supposed to be together? why didn't God prepare me for what was going on? why did he let it get so far? why couldn't have grant came back and talked to people that knew him better and could give him godly, informed advice? it seems like such a rash decision. he made the decision long before he came back. i wonder if he felt peace about it? i wonder if he regrets the decision he made? i wonder if we will ever be together again? hmm... i guess these are all questions that will probably never be answered.

so hear i am...in for a long 6 weeks with the UB students. i hope to build some good relationships. i hope that i am able to keep my head in the game and be on my knees for all of the kids that are coming. i hope that i don't check out as i'm trying to get ready for "real life."

i'll be looking for a job, a grad school and trying to decide whether i want to go back to TX or not. i'm not missing anything really. i would be able to find new friends and all of that, but i just don't want to leave the ones i have. the midwest isn't that bad. it's just a constant reminder of what could be. i could go to alaska and work in the camp that jamie's parents own. that could be fun. i'm thinking that maybe i wanna work landscaping or construction. i think that would be really rewarding but i need benefits. i'll have to see what's available. who knows? so with grad school, i think i'm just going to try to find the best school for counseling psychology or something like that. i don't know anymore. i want to counsel people but not here in the states. maybe i should teach psychology. i could get my teaching certification and teach psychology and sociology. while i'm getting my master's in counseling. that sounds like a plan. hmm...i don't know anymore.

well today the other newly single girl, steph k, is coming to chill with me. i don' t know what we'll do but we'll figure something out! until next time...

well here i am wondering what's next, looking back on what's behind, and sitting her discontent with the present. i stuck around for may term and it was largely boring...a little eventful though.

i'm leaving on wed to begin to drive home and i should get home thurs night. i'll be home for a week or a little more depending on what grant wants to do. we'll see. he gets home from uganda the 28th and i'm so excited.

i didn't realize how much i would miss him! it's kinda sad. i haven't been doing a lot around here. just looking for a job and a place to live. it's been mostly unsettling but bailey, kristen, and alicia have made it better. we've done some scandalous things and had our share of expensive fun. now i'm ready to move on to what's next.

i'm ready to move into our house, get settled, decorate and be able to call somewhere home. i will always consider the H my home because that's where i was born but i don't know if i'll ever live there again. i don't really consider indiana home either. i feel like home is in people. when i'm with grant i'm home. when i'm with amy, i'm home. when i'm with my mom, i'm kinda home. when i'm with jordyn, angel and colette, that feels like home too. i just don't know! home isn't just a place to me anymore.

urgh..i'm done for now!